Giving “High Colonic” a Whole New Meaning
The University of Tennessee student, Alexander P. Broughton of Pi Kappa Alpha, who was transported to an emergency room with a blood-alcohol level of nearly .45, has hired an attorney to refute the accusation, leveled by police and the university, that he achieved the feat through the use of an enema-like anal transfusion of boxed red wine.
The recent trend of imbibing via the “back-4-0″ may have vintners on the edge of their seat, so to speak, as only two or three ounces can result in extreme inebriation. Police photos of the frat house could be mistaken for a field hospital in Aleppo, Syria, as it is strewn with rubbish and blood smears. These dudes can throw a party.
In place of the enema story, Mr. Broughton has a more refined, wholesome and staid version, according to the Times Free Press, “He described the drinking as part of a game called “Tour de Franzia,” based on seeing who can drink the most wine straight from the box without throwing up.”
It is apparently OK to achieve a nearly fatal state of drunkenness as long as the alcohol is ingested via the normal route. The use of an alternate, albeit novel, method detracts from the otherwise time-honored American activity of binge drinking. Perhaps the unsightly trauma of vomiting is avoided as the stomach is spared the alcoholic onslaught, thus allowing the merry times to begin more rapidly.
Worst of all, the otherwise upstanding student has been forced to deny accusations of homosexuality apparently linked to the enema charge. It’s unclear whether enemas cause homosexuality or homosexuals share a predilection for enemas. If having a tube up your arse makes you gay, my doctor has some serious explaining to do.
While there can be little doubt that Mr. Broughton has little, if any, recollection of the night’s events, calling a press conference and saying it did not occur is a risky strategy. Several people saved his life, both in and out of the E.R. and it appears as if he is calling them liars.
That’s way worse than the incident itself.
May I see your wine list, please?